I think I have to put this all in a letter. Alot of years ago I used to do much better in a letter, I'm gonna try it again now.
I'd like you to keep this letter if we split, so that you'll always know why we split. I'd also like you to keep it if we stay together, as a reminder.
Right now I am so angry! If I didn't know that the courts would take Sydney & Justin away from me if I did this I would (expletive) every guy including some that you know just to let you know how it feels.
I wish someone could explain all this to me. I see our marriage as a huge mistake & you don't.
I knew what went on in our relationship before we got married. I knew after 6 years that all the things I thought were going on -- were! All the things I gave in to -- all the "I'm sorry for thinking that" "I'm sorry for not believing you" -- "I'm sorry for not trusting you."
I made up with you all the time & even took the blame many times for your cheating. I know this took place because we fought about it alot & even discussed it before we got married with my family & a minister.
OK before the marriage I lived with it & dealt with (illegible) mainly because you finally said that we weren't married at the time.
I assumed that your recurring nasty attitude & mean streak was to cover up your cheating & a general disrespect for women & a lack of manners!
I remember a long time ago a girlfriend of yours wrote you a letter -- she said well you aren't married yet so let's get together. Even she had the same idea of marriage as me. She believed that when you marry you wouldn't be going out anymore -- adultery is a very important thing to many people.
It's one of the 1st 10 things I learned at Sunday school. You said it (illegible) some things you learn at school stick! And the 10 Comandments did!
I wanted to be a wonderful wife!
I believed you that it would finally be "you & me against the world" -- that people would be envious or in awe of us because we stuck through it & finally became one a real couple.
I let my guard down -- I thought it was finally gonna be you & me -- you wanted a baby (so you said) & I wanted a baby -- then with each pound you were terrible. You gave me dirty looks looks of disgust -- said mean things to me at times about my appearance walked out on me & lied to me.
I remember one day my mom said "he actually thinks you can have a baby & not get fat."
I gained 10 to 15 lbs more that I should have with Sydney. Well that's by the book -- Most women gain twice that. It's not like it was that much -- but you made me feel so ugly! I've battled 10 lbs up & down the scale since I was 15 -- It was no more X-tra weight than was normal for me to be up -- I believe my mom -- you thought a baby weighs 7 lbs & the woman should gain 7 lbs. I'd like to finally tell you that that's not the way it is -- And had you read those books I got you on pregnancy you may have known that.
Talk about feeling alone ....
In between Sydney & justin you say my clothes bothered you -- that my shoes were on the floor that I bugged you -- Wow that's so terrible! Try I had a low self esteem because since we got married I felt like the paragraph above.
There was also that time before Justin & after few months Sydney, I felt really good about how I got back into shape and we made out. You beat the holy hell out of me & we lied at the X-ray lab & said I fell off a bike ... Remember!??
Great for my self esteem.
There are a number of other instances that I could talk about that made my marriage so wonderful ... like the televised Clipper game & going to (illegible) before the game & your 40th birthday party & the week leading up to it. But I don't like talking about the past It depressed me.
Then came the pregnancy with Justin & oh how wonderful you treated me again -- I remember swearing to God & myself that under no circumstances would I let you be in that delivery room.
I hated you so much.
And since Justin birth & the mad New Years Eve beat up.
I just don't see how our stories compare -- I was so bad because I wore sweats & left shoes around & didn't keep a perfect house or comb my hair the way you liked it -- or had dinner ready at the precise moment you walked through the door or that I just plain got on your nerves sometimes.
I just don't see how that compares to infidelity, wife beating verbal abuse --
I just don't think everybody goes through this --
And if I wanted to hurt you or had it in me to be anything like the person you are -- I would have done so after the (illegible) incident. But I didn't even do it then. I called the cops to save my life whether you believe it or not. But I didn't pursue anything after that -- I didn't prosecute, I didn't call the press & I didn't make a big charade out of it. I waited for it to die down and asked for it to. But I've never loved you since or been the same.
It made me take a look at my life with you -- my wonderful life with the superstar that wonderful man, O.J. Simpson the father of my kids -- that husband of that terribly insecure (illegible) -- the girl with no self esteem (illegible) of worth -- she must be (illegible) those things to with a guy like that.
It certainly doesn't take a strong person to be with a guy like that and certainly no one would be envious of that life.
I agree after we married things changed -- we couldn't have house fulls of people like I used to have over & barbque for, because I had other responsabilities. I didn't want to go to alot of events & I'd back down at the last minute on fuctions & trips I admit I'm sorry --
I just believe that a relationship is based on trust -- and the last time I trusted you was at our wedding ceremony. it's just so hard for me to trust you again. Even though you say you're a different guy. That O.J. Simpson guy brought me alot of pain heatache -- I tried so hard with him -- I wanted so to be a good wife. But he never gave me a chance.
Simpson Trial Page