Scopes Defended By Super-Intelligent
Chimpanzee-Man from Future
DAYTON, Tenn., July 19.
---The trial of a high-school biology teacher John Scopes took another controversial turn today with the introduction by defense attorney Clarence Darrow of a surprise witness.  Cornelius the intelligent chimpanzee-man, a strikingly anthropomorphic simian claiming to originate from thousands of years in Earth's future.
     Darrow hopes that the presence of the chimp a member of the "intellectual class" of a future society rule by apes, will illustrate to the jury the merit of the biological theory of evolution, the teaching of which now stands in question under Tennessee law.
     When Cornelius was called to the witness stand, Darrow spoke:  "I know that many of you with faith in the Bible's teachings find it impossible to believe that man evolved from apes thousands of years ago."  He then pointed to Cornelius and said, "Yet sitting before you today in this courtroom is an ape from the fourth millenium, an ape thousands of years more advanced than any living man!"
     Cornelius, who, along with his wife Zira, was accidentally transported backward through time from centuries hence, spoke eloquently of a future world ruled by apes.  The fantastic testimony caused many ladies in attendance to fall victim to swooning and fainting spells on this hot July day.
     "My friends, the humans," Cornelius said in an erudite British accent, " I understand why it might first appear to you that evolution could not be true.  I myself at one time did not believe that humans could talk like apes.  Then I met a man names 'Taylor.'  He talked.  But I still didn't believe, until I discovered a human child's doll at an archeological site, a doll that, although human, spoke as an ape did.  My prejudices were dispelled by this evidence that a larger society of men had one possessed the power of speech, and indeed dwelled on this planet."
     When cross-examining the chimp, outraged prosecutor William Jennings Byran loudly decried the validity of his testimony.
     "None of these tales can possibly be more than the wildest science-based fictions!" the famed orator said.  "Does The Bible tell us of a planet of the apes or a subsequent adventure beneath it?" he asked.  "It does not.  I submit to you that this Cornelius is not even a Christian, has never been baptized, and has, of his own admission, no knowledge of the teachings or even the existence of Christ our Lord and Savior!"
     Bryan went on to further discredit Cornelius.  "By the ape's own admission, all records of the precious civilization of man were destroyed in the so-called 'ancient thermonuclear wars,' whatever that means; therefore Cornelius cannot have known of the teaching of Christ in any form.  I thus submit that his testimony is that of a godless atheist ape!"
    Bryan then turned to the jury and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, The Bible, ultimate authority of all the laws of God and man, tells us in Revelations of the coming of a seven-headed dragon at the end of the world, not of any 'Doomsday Bomb' in the year 3955.  Nor does it mention any time vortices created by the detonation of such a device, not of any cult of mutant humans who preserve and worship such a bomb for thousands of years in subterranean tunnels."
     "This ape's testimony," Bryan continues, pointing at Cornelius, "stands in blatant contradiction to the holy testament of God in Heaven himself!  Is that what you would have our school-children taught?"
     The crowd in attendance was aroused by Bryan's dramatic tone, and the judge was forced to call a recess.
     Bryan's cross-examination of Cornelius will continue Tuesday.