Thank you, Mask Man**
[In this sketch, townspeople upset with the Lone Ranger's refusal to
thank yous for his help, demand--at gun point--that the cultural icon explain
his unwillingness to receive their expressions of gratitude.]
Redneck: Mask Man, what's your story, buddy? You know Mr.
Di Angelo, he's hoppin' ass mad at you. His momma made all those hot pancakes
and you run'd off. Run'd off and didn't wait for nuthin. How
come you're so snobby you can't accept love or thank you from nobody?
Lone Ranger: I'll explain--take your goddamn
hands off me, you barbarians. The reason I never wait for thank you
…see …ah...Supposing for once I wait for thank you?
Redneck:Thank you, Mask Man.
Lone Ranger: What's that?
Redneck: Thank you, Mask Man.
Lone Ranger: Thank you, Masked man?
Goddamn it, I like that! Let's hear it once again, son.
Redneck: Thank you, Mask Man.
Lone Ranger: Thank you, Masked Man,
ain't that sweet?
(In background) Mask man, help Mask Man, help we're being robbed, get
the Mask Man!
Lone Ranger: Don’t break my balls
now. I've helped you people a lot. I'm entitled to take one
week off to get some thank yous. You're not gonna get nuthin' if
you keep it up. All right, let's have it again.
Redneck: Thank you, Mask Man.
Lone Ranger: I'm gonna get a book,
that's all, screw these people. I'll get a Thank You Mask Man
book. I'll put it in the book. They'll say, "You in the shingle business?"
I'll say, "You think I'm in the shingle business? - look at this:
'Thank you, Masked Man. The.people of Long Island.' Look at all the 'Thank
you, Masked Mans'"….I'm going down to the mailbox to see if the 'Thank
you, Mask Man" has been here today....Someone's been fooling with my mail,
I know it. Someone is foolin' with my mail! Where is my 'Thank you,
Masked Man?' There are no more 'Thank you, Mask Mans.'. "The
Messiah returned during the night." The Messiah? What has this
to do with me? "Well, you see men like yourself you thrived upon the
continuance of segregation, violence and disease. Now that Messiah
has returned all is pure. You're in the shit house." Well then,
I'll make trouble because I'm geared for it and I must have a 'Thank you,
Masked Man.' That's why I always ride off and never wait for 'thank you.'
Redneck: Man, you show up and talk some shit buddy! I got
a goddamn headache. My head hurts me. What the hell you talking
about -"Thank you, Mask Man--the people of Long Island"? Look, I work for
the city. You know what I mean, buddy? I got a job to do.
Now look, I'm here to see you accept a present, just one present.
Do it for the kids and we'll get the hell out of here. What do you
say?
Lone Ranger: Alright, for the children
I'll do it. Give me…give me…no ashtrays…Anything I like?
Redneck:Anything. Just take a whip, or a doll--any of them
of things on the top shelf.
Lone Ranger: I tell you what…Anything?
Give me that Indian over there.
Redneck:Who's that…Tanto?
Lone Ranger: Yes, Tanta…I want Tanta
the Indian.
Redneck:What you talking about? You can't have Tanto.
Lone Ranger: Bullshit…You make the
deal. That's what I want. I want Tanta the Indian.
Redneck:You gonna get you a Tanta buddy. His name ain't
Tanta it's Tant-o. What the hell you want Tanto for?
Lone Ranger: To perform an unnatural
act.
Redneck: What?
Lone Ranger: To perform an unnatural
act.
Redneck:Oh…Mask Man is a fag. Ah…ah…fag man. A dirty
fag, you dang queer you. The Mask fag man, ain't that a kick in the
ass. Bet you got mascara under that damn mask ain't you? A dang queer,
I never knew you a fag Mask Man.
Lone Ranger: I'm not a fag, but
I read a lot about it and read expose and I want to try it now to see how
bad it is, just once. I like what they do with fags anyway.
Their punishment is quite correct. They throw them in jail with a
lot of men. Very clever hum…hum…
Redneck:Wash him up and get him ready.
Lone Ranger: Tell you what - give
me the horse too.
Redneck:Whaaafaar?
Lone Ranger: For the Act.
**Bruce
testified in the Jazz Workshop trial in San Francisco about the Lone Ranger
sketch. Prosecutor Ronald Ross had this exchange with Bruce:
Ross: Well, specifically, you are talking
about...the unnatural act between Lone Ranger and Tonto...
Bruce: Yes...What's the most ridiculous
thing that the Lone Ranger could do? We assume that it's completely
incongruous...He wants the Indian...To perform an unnatural act.
It is silly, you know...
Ross: In other words, your were not trying
to say anything about the unnatural act, then? In other words, it
was just for incongruity, then? Was it trying to raise a laugh from
the audience? Was that its point?
Bruce: What do you want from me? Tell me--
Ross: Just your answers.
Bruce: I didn't--I didn't want to encourage
anyone in the audience to be perverse or perform an unnatural act.
The Ross/Bruce exchange is reported in THE TRIALS
OF LENNY BRUCE: THE RISE AND FALL OF AN AMERICAN ICON (SOURCEBOOKS,
2002), PAGE 129. |